nana johari

July 14, 2016

it eats itself: when i write about writing

Got out of bed at 1AM to rant about the reason why I haven't written any fictions these days.

Writing fiction feels like forcing myself to throw up. Uncomfortable is an understatement. Something's stuck in my throat and I'm not sure whether to get it out or to swallow it in. And what was the word I thought of in bed just now - it's exposing, it's like laying down your shortcomings in front of you and reading them over and over.  

Oh I've changed. 'Better' is probably not the word best to describe my current writing, but it has changed for sure. I can focus on what I want to focus on, though most of the times the inability to put it into words in the language that I want can be a real bummer. That's my main problem these days.

And fuck boring details, no matter how much needed those are. I hate plotting out how they meet, I want to talk about the conversation they have at 3AM in the kitchen, I want to talk about how they hide their uncertainty and distance and stupid longing for each other during breakfast in the balcony, I want to talk about their emotional ranting in between sardonic laughter and ugly sobbing on the floor in the hall of mangy motel rooms. I want to roll up a magazine and hit someone with it and say screw details because I fucking hate it.  

And me trying to polish up my Bahasa, but most of malay fictions I've bought as references made me exhausted. I'm not talking about the grammar as they are all grammatically correct, but something feels off to me. Maybe I don't have the knack of choosing the right novels to read. 

I'm stuck at the point between not feeling satisfied with the fictions currently available in bookstores and not being able to satisfy my need with my current writing either. Is this the hell brought by reading fanfictions of your chosen characters with your chosen theme in your chosen setting? Probably. I've been spoiled by fandoms with their glorious fanfictions which some can be considered literature, even. Someone wise said, do not complain if you cant make it better. But I don't want to be that wise in this early hour, I just want to release this negativity out. So now I'm stuck with fanfictions. And I've read a lot of them.

Binge when stressed. Good job. 

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