nana johari

December 9, 2016

white dress: roadblock

Lately I've been feeling agitated, internally restless? Maybe because I caught myself slipping more than usual. 

My standard can get too high sometimes, when I'm not careful. When you know and understand it as much as you can, the fact later you still find yourself messing it up in practical experience can be irritating. It's hard not to. I think the tendency of being studious can delude me into thinking I can manage the actual thing well right away just because I understand it well theoretically. 

I, myself cant deny there's a kind of understanding that can only be gained through practice. The action of fine-tuning, improving, itself comes after the awareness and acknowledgement of hard edges and holes. You can't improve on something you don't know needs improving. Slip-ups alert you to that need, and it happens only when you get up and try. Muscle memory, instinct, intuition, are all honed by practice, repetition, habit. Humans are cerebral beings indeed, but we still belong to the animal category. The only problem seems to be the difficulty in swallowing the reality that you make mistakes, that you mess up, that it is still a long way to go. It's the impatience stems from an insistent ambition. 

I've just realized how unrealistic my expectation was. Developing a skill, especially one that will definitely rub against my own natural preference requires time, effort and patience. Instead of beating myself up because I couldn't meet my own unrealistic expectation in a few tries, I should be patient with it. Remember that it's not a flaw and I'm not here to erase it all away, I'm here to build on it.

If I have to search for something good, I think I should acknowledge that little click inside my head whenever I realize that I'm contradicting myself, proposing a faulty argument, being defensive, being blatantly biased, when my ego is speaking.  

I just want to push it a little further, a little earlier, along with a better reception and a better response.

I wonder who else is doing this. I wonder if they feel tired. I wonder if they find their struggles galling too. I wonder if they too feel like giving up, and I wonder if they too know that giving yourself up is not an option. 

December 2, 2016

it eats itself: the strays, the rebels, those who are lost


Some people can feel so responsible for others' lives or how they lead their lives. Correct me if I'm wrong, this is how the standard, the highly regarded path goes; 

Elementary, secondary, high school, college and graduate, get a real job, get married before thirty, have kids, work, have grandchildren, grow older. Maybe it's now considered common to experience a divorce in the middle of that. 

So here's the thing. 

They get worried when you do something else, even unrelated people who have nothing to do with you. They feel concerned when you do something that strays off The Path of How Things Should be Done, and they tell you that you shouldn't. Especially if you are a young adult, because what do you know? Let's be real, you probably don't know better anyway. 

But do they? 

This is what I believe:

I believe people have the right to explore. People have the right to move at their own pace. People have the right to live their personal life however they want as long as they don't directly hurt/harm/trouble others (harming themselves is debatable). They shouldn't be bogged down with this illusion that ultimate happiness can only be experienced through marriage or having kids, through settling down (traditionally speaking). There is no ultimate happiness probably. Happiness itself comes in different forms, and not one is better than the other.

It usually comes from a good place, but that doesn't mean it is not potentially damaging. It is a choice, but it is commonly being treated like a must. It makes people afraid to go off the path at any point because it is implied that it is wrong to do that. They'll be pestered with the standard and those questions like 'tak kahwin lagi?' and all that jazz. It breeds insecurity, low self-confidence, stress, sometimes recklessness and a string of bad choices. 

Sometimes people don't do something because they don't want to. And no, there's probably nothing wrong with them. Even if there is, it is probably none of our business.

There is no one correct way to live.