nana johari

December 9, 2016

white dress: roadblock

Lately I've been feeling agitated, internally restless? Maybe because I caught myself slipping more than usual. 

My standard can get too high sometimes, when I'm not careful. When you know and understand it as much as you can, the fact later you still find yourself messing it up in practical experience can be irritating. It's hard not to. I think the tendency of being studious can delude me into thinking I can manage the actual thing well right away just because I understand it well theoretically. 

I, myself cant deny there's a kind of understanding that can only be gained through practice. The action of fine-tuning, improving, itself comes after the awareness and acknowledgement of hard edges and holes. You can't improve on something you don't know needs improving. Slip-ups alert you to that need, and it happens only when you get up and try. Muscle memory, instinct, intuition, are all honed by practice, repetition, habit. Humans are cerebral beings indeed, but we still belong to the animal category. The only problem seems to be the difficulty in swallowing the reality that you make mistakes, that you mess up, that it is still a long way to go. It's the impatience stems from an insistent ambition. 

I've just realized how unrealistic my expectation was. Developing a skill, especially one that will definitely rub against my own natural preference requires time, effort and patience. Instead of beating myself up because I couldn't meet my own unrealistic expectation in a few tries, I should be patient with it. Remember that it's not a flaw and I'm not here to erase it all away, I'm here to build on it.

If I have to search for something good, I think I should acknowledge that little click inside my head whenever I realize that I'm contradicting myself, proposing a faulty argument, being defensive, being blatantly biased, when my ego is speaking.  

I just want to push it a little further, a little earlier, along with a better reception and a better response.

I wonder who else is doing this. I wonder if they feel tired. I wonder if they find their struggles galling too. I wonder if they too feel like giving up, and I wonder if they too know that giving yourself up is not an option. 

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